I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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