I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
