Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We left the knife in your bed.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
