the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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