All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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