chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
