We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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