last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
