There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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