Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
