HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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