Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
