I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I skipped work to stalk him.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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