drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
