I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
