I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
In America we eat man semen.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
