Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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