I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
