My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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