I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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