I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
