So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
