2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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