The best revenge is premature balding
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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