How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
