his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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