Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
