Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
