Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize