i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize