I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
