my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
