swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
