IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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