sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
