Princesses don't give blow jobs
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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