jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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