So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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