Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize