I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
