she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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