I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
