Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
