I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
