my mouth tastes like poor choices
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
