call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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