He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize