How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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