nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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