I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
