Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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