***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
