We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
