Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
