I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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