Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm too high and old for this...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
