I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
