lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
