...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize