My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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