it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
