Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize